There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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