god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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