Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
