does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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