The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
