dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
