Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Couch. On fire.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
