my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
