Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
