I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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