Already got asked if we're dating
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
