I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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