who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I intend to get homeless drunk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
