Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
