i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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