she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
