Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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