LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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