I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
