Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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