I got chris browned last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
