Where did you get a picture of my penis
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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