Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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