Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
