he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We were destined to go to rehab together
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
