I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
