Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Girls should come with a carfax report
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't deserve a penis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
