We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
