So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
