My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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