I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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