Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
