The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's shark week go big or go home
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
