Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
