You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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