I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
