my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
