i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
