I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
