please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
