sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
