I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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