I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
