she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
