i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
