Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
