Swine flu. Run for my life!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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