Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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