Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
