We're facebook friends in real life
You're so nebulous sometimes
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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