I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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