it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
