I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My breasts were aching with rage.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
