Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
