I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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