The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
