I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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