i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
