And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
